Wished I Never Knew

I wish I had never known.

Wish I had never found out

Wish I had never made that search

But I did. And that was that.

I should have remembered what

curiosity did to the cat.

But I remembered Sunday mornings

at the pool; we would walk up and down

brushing against each other

you in your lane, me in mine, sharing stories,

laughing, not getting much swimming done, giddy

in each other’s presence. We used to joke

we never saw each other in clothes.

You were always glad to see me

you were striking in your black swim suit

and blonde hair; you had an artist’s laugh

but then I had my sudden operation and when

I got back, a month later, you weren’t there.

I didn’t have your number; I asked discreetly

at the desk but they wouldn’t say. I tried Facebook

but you had a strange surname. I assumed

you moved to a pool closer to home or you

were busy with family. Four years later

unattached and lonely, I tracked you down

and found why you never returned.

You died in Feb, 2016. Peacefully at home.

All that time I thought you were alive.

But you had long gone. Death had closed

the gate. If only I hadn’t waited.

If only I’d tried sooner. But I was much too late.

31 thoughts on “Wished I Never Knew

    • thank you, Matthew; I had never known such devastation: the realization that I would never see her again and that she had been gone so long; I’ve bounced back now, Matthew, thanks to friends, family and a sense of perspective 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • thanks Becky; she was lovely and loving as a friend; it was such a shock to find she had been dead all those years I thought she was alive; I was ready to explore the possibility of renewing our friendship and taking it to the next level; for my own sanity I’ve had to move on 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Sorry it happened to you, John. I once lost a friend to suicide. Long back, I thought of calling one of my old friends but then I remembered her birthday was two days later. I thought if I call her, she’ll remind me because she knows how bad I am with dates, so I postponed the call. Her sister picked up and told me she died two days back…the day I wanted to call her, the day when she needed me, when I could have stopped her…

    Liked by 1 person

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