I don’t speak Chinese.
Nor do I speak Russian
though I do speak Latin
[three years at Uni]
though no one speaks it anymore
nor do I speak Crow
like those blokes at the gym
who ‘follow’ the Adelaide Crows footy team,
speak the arcana of the game,
the iconography of past champions,
the minutiae of every quarter,
pumping statistics rather than iron.
I’m on the outer of the inner circle
though I get far more gym done.
It had been on the vacant lot next to the church
For over half a year and no one in all that time
Could rustle up enough motivation to mow the lawn
Or clear it of rubbish. I thought of calling
The number on the back a few times but just couldn’t
Get motivated enough to ring or attend one
Of their weekly meetings
& I thought about something
A friend had said about running a Special Olympics
For the Motivationally Challenged but the problem
With that, I said, was that nobody would bother
To turn up. I thought then of the historically highly
Motivated: Hitler, Stalin, the rapacious bankers, Isis
And concluded that a low motivated populace isn’t
Necessarily a bad thing.
It’s okay being a caddie
tagging along with the team
light as a butterfly
nothing to prove
floating along the lazy rhythms
of the afternoon,
the dappled sunlight,
the bodyguard gums,
the cheeky creek bed waiting
to gobble up golf balls;
you’re nimble on yr feet,
jovial as a parrot
keeping the banter going
handing out irons
as a waiter would drinks,
planting the flag after putting is done
like Neil and Buzz on the moon
*pic courtesy of Wikipedia
If I had as many black hairs on my legs
As Roger Federer
Would I be a great tennis player?
Would I be as good as the Fed?
Do leg hairs maketh the man?
There must be a hair for every ace
He’s ever served.
If leg hairs were ants, which they look like
The Fed would be in screaming agony.
One day he’ll lose most.
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
You know the puns.
Hair’s to you, Fed.
Good luck in the Aussie Open.
My daughter has been Axe Throwing with some friends from work.
Apparently it is the new thing.
It’s a bit like darts only more dangerous,
I’ve been hit with a dart in the hand the last time I played,
Being hit with a hatchet would be a totally different thing.
People are encouraged to bury the hatchet in the target not in each other.
This is not ‘Vikings’.
It looks like fun. I’m thinking of going along.
But I have too many axes to grind so I better
stick to darts.
* have you ever been axe throwing? or taken part in any other dangerous activity?
*if axe throwing is a more dangerous form of darts what is a more dangerous form of chess?
It had been on the vacant lot next to the church
For over half a year and no one in all that time
Could rustle up enough motivation to mow the lawn
Or clear it of rubbish. I thought of calling
The number on the back a few times but just couldn’t
Get motivated enough to ring or attend one
Of their weekly meetings & I thought about something
A friend had said about running a Special Olympics
For the Motivationally Challenged but the problem
With that, I said, was that nobody would bother
To turn up. I thought then of the historically highly
Motivated: Hitler, Stalin, the rapacious bankers, Isis
And concluded that a low motivated populace isn’t
Necessarily a bad thing.
As soon as you walk in you see them paraded
along the walls
exemplars of Beauty and Strength:
Warnie unleashing a leg spinner,
Its eye on middle stump, Krygios rocketing another ball
past his opponent,
Thorpie diving into glory,
even one of cane growers in Queensland,
big blocky blokes in blue singlets
bringing in the harvest;
of Cathy Freeman at the Sydney Olympics.
But my humerus and hamstrings
were playing up.
On good days
I can do almost anything, but
on bad ones I can barely put one foot in front
of the other, bounce a ball
let alone slam it down centre court
at 200 kph
and the only way I could get in a pool is to fall in it.
John Malone 