While on the Subject of Udders

We were driving past cows full of paddocks when my friend

asked me whether I thought bulls considered cow udders

‘sexy’? I said I hadn’t given it much thought but added,

you don’t  see many pinups of naked cows on the sides

of barns or bulls wanking off to them thoughtfully

on sunny afternoons; unsatisfied we pulled over

and did a Google Search, typing in ‘do bulls …’ to which

suggestions came up, such as ‘do bulls hate red?’, ‘do bulls moo?’ ,

‘do they have horns?’ and then the big one: ‘do bulls find

cow udders sexy?’ to which Google replied, ‘no, it’s a human thing’.

and that was that till Denzel Curry’s cover of ‘Bulls on Parade’

came over the radio, and my friend started all over again

 

* pic courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Sandals

I like a guy with sandals.

Jesus wore them.

Buddha too.

I bet Mahatma did as well.

All the good guys wore sandals.

Allan Ginsberg did when he delivered ‘Howl’

on that memorable day

and The Archies when they sang ‘Sugar Sugar’ on the cartoon channel.

They’re not exactly power dressing

but you can trust a man who wears sandals.

or Woman.

My yoga teacher wore sandals.

She taught me the value of non attachment

though we were both attached to our sandals.

Socrates too.

He died in his sandals like cowboys with their boots on.

And so it goes.

I don’t know about celebs.

I think Clint Eastwood did in ‘A Few Dollars More’.

and Justin Bieber in his clip ‘Love Yourself’

Our Prime Minister wears sandals when he goes to the beach.

There’s a picture of Jesus walking on water in his sandals.

I tried it.

It doesn’t work

but I still wear my sandals.

 

It’s My Birthday. I Can Say It If I Want To

I hope ‘Drive’ is playing when I get there

And the radio’s tuned to Triple J

And they serve my mocha just the way I like it

That they have the bar open on Fridays

And a barbie every second weekend.

And the New Yorker arrives promptly

On my doorstep each Wednesday

That they have a gym and an ocean you can swim in

When it gets stinking hot

[ or hasn’t climate change hit Heaven?]

If not, I’m not going.

Yesterdays

All the poems about yesterday are nostalgic

As are the songs.

My mother called Macca’s ‘Yesterday’ mawkish.

But my yesterday was shit.

If yesterday were a punching bag I’d pummel it

To a pulp.

There are some things like the Holocaust you can’t

Say anything good about.

Yesterday was like that.

Sometime in the Future it might be possible

To say something good about yesterday

But it’d be a stretch.

 

• photo by Rotorn Kuperman on Pixels.com
• you ever have days like that?

 

 

Stems

I am losing the stems of words.

When ‘Brick’ comes on

My partner says, you know who sings that?

You’re good at names.

Partly, I say, the band’s name ends in a 5 or a 3.

She can’t think of a 3 but she jumps in

with ‘The Dave Clark Five’?

No, they’re English, I say. This guy, the lead singer

is an American , from Carolina, but he lives here, in Adelaide.

Why would he do that? She asks.

Well, we live here. It’s not a bad place. In spite of the jokes.

So who is it? She asks.

Do you know?

I’ll look it up, I say. Of course, my fingers snap, finding it immediately. Good old Google, The Ben Folds Five.

Never heard of them, she says.

Is this the beginning?

Losing the stems of words.

 

The 8 Minute 40 Second Orgasm

I was on the home stretch from the shops when it came on. I turned it up and pulled in the driveway but remembering the baby was probably asleep in the bedroom, I turned it down a little but not off. I stayed in the car as the music made me shudder, the windows vibrate, eyes closed for the occasion as Prince worked himself into a frenzy… It was the extended mix not the radio edit. How could you walk away from the 8 minute 41 second orgasm that is ‘Purple Rain’?

The Problem of Pachelbel

I don’t know what Pachelbel would make of it but

When I’m put on hold for a wine club query,

His canon plays. Actually I’m a member of a number

Of wine clubs which may say more about me

Than Pachelbel whose canon plays as on-hold music

For each of them.

 

I would have thought Chumbawamba’s ‘Tubthumping’

would have been more appropriate, if less soothing,

or Roger Miller’s Chug-A-Lug or, for a bit of class,

Mario Lanza’s Drink, Drink, Drink but Pachelbel it is.

 

I don’t know If Pachelbel was fond of a glass

or two in the evenings

Or when he was composing his hypnotic canon.

He may have been a member of a wine club himself

In which case —excuse the pun — he would be tickled

Pink, especially if a Rose man.

 

when you are put on hold, are you annoyed or pleased by the music that is played? 

have you ever discovered a song though being put on hold?